Christmas is all about the warmth of family, the beauty and charity of human nature, and of course, the baby Jesus.
Unfortunately, some of the artistic representations of the baby Jesus are so ridiculously scary—they’ll definitely be replacing the sugar plum fairies in your nightmares this Christmas Eve.
Baby Jesus
He wants world peace. And your soul.
But in a good way. He promises.
Baby Jesus is hungry.
And he’ll eat anything: birds, rivers of chocolate, you. Seriously, anything.
Remember that time Baby Jesus bit off the Virgin Mary’s lip?
Yeah…we wish we didn’t either.
Poor Mary.
Knocked up and not loving it.
This isn’t Baby Jesus.
It’s a full-grown monk trying to trick the Virgin Mary into breast-feeding him. And succeeding.
Premie Jesus.
If Mary hadn’t had him early—she wouldn’t have been able to hold on to that V-card.
Pimpin it.
Bethlehem-style.
Is it Richard Nixon? Joe Dirt? Stalin?
No, its Baby Jesus with a mullet offering a benediction to his red army.
Baby Jesus wants to fill the world with his love.
And hug us all to our graves.
It’s all sunshine, roses, and adorable infants…..until one of the Baby Jesus sculptures comes to life and chases you around the church for your wine-blood and bread-flesh.
Baby Jesus is smug.
And he knows it.
Let’s hope he’s not a mouth-breather when he grows up.
Say hello to Baby Jesus’ little friends.
Before they stab you and drag you off into the darkness.
It might not be scary Baby Jesus’ fault though—the inhabitants of Bethlehem seem to have some serious postpartum depression most of the time.
This is where Mary starts to realize her baby is no ordinary baby.
And that she should be very, very afraid.
Swaddling doesn’t keep the baby safe.
It keeps everyone else safe from the Baby Jesus.
This Baby Jesus just can’t be bothered.
Sorry everyone. Eternal salvation is a no-go today.
Whatever diabolical scheme they’re planning—this Baby Jesus and Virgin Mary are in it together.
What was this Baby Jesus doing that he built up a six-pack?
He wasn’t even a carpenter yet.
Baby Jesus is so strong, he doesn’t need any weapons to choke hold his semi-divine mother.
That’s why they apparently had to starve him for this portrait.
A weak Baby Jesus = a safe Baby Jesus.
Why do you think he’s always on someone’s lap?
He has to be restrained.
Baby Jesus isn’t ready to be let loose on society yet.
This Baby Jesus wasn’t ready for whole food yet.
Let alone saving mankind.
Scared yet?
You should be. There are way more terrifying portraits of the Baby Jesus than there are adorable ones—and that must mean something.
Shashank Patel 